Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Heartbreak, Fear and Faith

So, We would like to have another baby. It took us about 16 months to get pregnant with J. During that time I stopped even bothering with pregnancy tests. I was so tired of them being negative. I realized one day that my period was about a week late. I was working at a hospital and I went down to the lab and asked for a pregnancy test- it was a blood test and took 4 hours for the results to come back. I remember calling the results line and being ELATED when they told me congratulations. I called Ken and then I told all the ladies in my office and then later that day I called my Mom and all my sisters. I was 5 weeks along at that point.

It only took a couple months to conceive B. It was kind of surprising. I really wasn't amazingly regular and I figured it would take a while to get pregnant. I started to wonder if I was pregnant when J suddenly was very clingy and I seemed really emotional (I cried during the scene in Elf where all the people on the street are singing Christmas songs- to help there be enough Christmas cheer for the sleigh to fly) and so I took a pregnancy test- I had one from the dollar store- and it was positive. Faint, but positive. I called the Doctors office to see about getting a quantitative blood test, the one where you get the test twice, 48 hours apart and you can see that your hormone levels are rising appropriately. They told me just to come in for my first appointment. I thought I was about 5 weeks pregnant, the doctor thought I was about 10 weeks, so she sent me for an ultrasound. The ultrasound was 1 week after that first appointment, so by then I should have been about 6 weeks pregnant. The ultrasound technician found the implanted egg and pointed out all the necessary things about my egg- I remember him talking about a yolk- He said that I wasn't 10 weeks pregnant, I wasn't even 6, I was less than 5 weeks pregnant. Two weeks later I went back in and there was a tiny heart beat and according to the ultrasound, at that point I was 6 weeks 6 days pregnant, this means that I found out I was pregnant when I was 3 weeks and 3 days along! WHAT? We announced that pregnancy to my family on Christmas Eve, when I was 5 weeks 2 days pregnant.

Why do I tell you this? Well, they always say that you shouldn't announce a pregnancy until the first trimester is over, with each pregnancy I've told Less people.....but I can't keep my mouth shut, I'm too happy about it.

So on July 25th of this year, I had some pretty strong suspicions that I was pregnant. I took a test and sure enough, it was positive. It was faint- but I also hadn't missed a period yet (since I knew that I had a positive test pretty darn early with B, I figured I could try a few days early now, no issues, just nice to know) because it was so faint I decided to go into the doctors office, they did another test and congratulated me. This time I had promised Ken that I would try to keep my mouth shut a little longer. BUT that promise (for any woman who makes that kind of promise) does not apply to telling your Mom. So I told my Mommy. It was a happy day. I was 4 weeks pregnant, 3 people, me, Ken and Mom, knew about it. It was such an amazing feeling. 4 days later I noticed some staining- not really bleeding, just a little pink- when I would use the bathroom, and that was scary to me, and the next morning I knew for sure. I had had an early miscarriage. I knew I was only 4 weeks and 5 days pregnant, but it broke my heart. I was having a baby, and then I wasn't. I told the world.....well, It told Facebook, so most of the people in my world. What happened. Lots of love and kind words were sent my way. It was amazing to hear how this same thing had happened to so many people. I felt loved, I prayed and cried and prayed a lot, I felt like I was going to heal. But I was still scared.

I told Ken that I was happy to know that we could conceive, we know we can fertilize an egg. Go Us! But the question that was causing me grief was whether or not my body was ready to stay pregnant. I wanted to keep trying, I truly feel like there is a baby ready, waiting to come to our family. But what if my body isn't ready and what if this happens again. Could I handle this pain again? I was afraid.

We went to church at the Young Single Adult ward that week (as part of our calling as YSA Advisers for our Stake) and the first thing said during the testimony meeting was that we need to live with Faith and not with Fear. So I decided that I needed to move past the fear and keep my faith that we will be able to have a baby. I don't know when, but I believe, I have faith that a baby will come.

Last week I went to the temple. I was filled with peace and joy. I was grateful for those feelings, I felt that my prayers were being answered. It was a wonderful, fabulous, powerful experience. I felt impressed to read the story of Zacharias and Elisabeth, I read the entire 1st chapter of Luke. When the Angel Gabriel tells Mary that her cousin Elisabeth has conceived he follows it up with "For with God nothing shall be impossible".

I am trying to live with faith, to remember that with God nothing is impossible. I am trying not to let my mind and my heart go crazy. I have intentionally NOT purchased any pregnancy tests. I will try to wait a little longer this time. Maybe until 5 weeks. I say try. I will try. And if it happens again, I will be okay and we will keep trying,


Canada Toronto Mission said...

I love your blogs. It is so nice to get updated. Keep up that Faith, the Lord is in charge. Love you.

Sarah said...

You're amazing. You can do hard things. You inspire me. xoxo