Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Heartbreak, Fear and Faith

So, We would like to have another baby. It took us about 16 months to get pregnant with J. During that time I stopped even bothering with pregnancy tests. I was so tired of them being negative. I realized one day that my period was about a week late. I was working at a hospital and I went down to the lab and asked for a pregnancy test- it was a blood test and took 4 hours for the results to come back. I remember calling the results line and being ELATED when they told me congratulations. I called Ken and then I told all the ladies in my office and then later that day I called my Mom and all my sisters. I was 5 weeks along at that point.

It only took a couple months to conceive B. It was kind of surprising. I really wasn't amazingly regular and I figured it would take a while to get pregnant. I started to wonder if I was pregnant when J suddenly was very clingy and I seemed really emotional (I cried during the scene in Elf where all the people on the street are singing Christmas songs- to help there be enough Christmas cheer for the sleigh to fly) and so I took a pregnancy test- I had one from the dollar store- and it was positive. Faint, but positive. I called the Doctors office to see about getting a quantitative blood test, the one where you get the test twice, 48 hours apart and you can see that your hormone levels are rising appropriately. They told me just to come in for my first appointment. I thought I was about 5 weeks pregnant, the doctor thought I was about 10 weeks, so she sent me for an ultrasound. The ultrasound was 1 week after that first appointment, so by then I should have been about 6 weeks pregnant. The ultrasound technician found the implanted egg and pointed out all the necessary things about my egg- I remember him talking about a yolk- He said that I wasn't 10 weeks pregnant, I wasn't even 6, I was less than 5 weeks pregnant. Two weeks later I went back in and there was a tiny heart beat and according to the ultrasound, at that point I was 6 weeks 6 days pregnant, this means that I found out I was pregnant when I was 3 weeks and 3 days along! WHAT? We announced that pregnancy to my family on Christmas Eve, when I was 5 weeks 2 days pregnant.

Why do I tell you this? Well, they always say that you shouldn't announce a pregnancy until the first trimester is over, with each pregnancy I've told Less people.....but I can't keep my mouth shut, I'm too happy about it.

So on July 25th of this year, I had some pretty strong suspicions that I was pregnant. I took a test and sure enough, it was positive. It was faint- but I also hadn't missed a period yet (since I knew that I had a positive test pretty darn early with B, I figured I could try a few days early now, no issues, just nice to know) because it was so faint I decided to go into the doctors office, they did another test and congratulated me. This time I had promised Ken that I would try to keep my mouth shut a little longer. BUT that promise (for any woman who makes that kind of promise) does not apply to telling your Mom. So I told my Mommy. It was a happy day. I was 4 weeks pregnant, 3 people, me, Ken and Mom, knew about it. It was such an amazing feeling. 4 days later I noticed some staining- not really bleeding, just a little pink- when I would use the bathroom, and that was scary to me, and the next morning I knew for sure. I had had an early miscarriage. I knew I was only 4 weeks and 5 days pregnant, but it broke my heart. I was having a baby, and then I wasn't. I told the world.....well, It told Facebook, so most of the people in my world. What happened. Lots of love and kind words were sent my way. It was amazing to hear how this same thing had happened to so many people. I felt loved, I prayed and cried and prayed a lot, I felt like I was going to heal. But I was still scared.

I told Ken that I was happy to know that we could conceive, we know we can fertilize an egg. Go Us! But the question that was causing me grief was whether or not my body was ready to stay pregnant. I wanted to keep trying, I truly feel like there is a baby ready, waiting to come to our family. But what if my body isn't ready and what if this happens again. Could I handle this pain again? I was afraid.

We went to church at the Young Single Adult ward that week (as part of our calling as YSA Advisers for our Stake) and the first thing said during the testimony meeting was that we need to live with Faith and not with Fear. So I decided that I needed to move past the fear and keep my faith that we will be able to have a baby. I don't know when, but I believe, I have faith that a baby will come.

Last week I went to the temple. I was filled with peace and joy. I was grateful for those feelings, I felt that my prayers were being answered. It was a wonderful, fabulous, powerful experience. I felt impressed to read the story of Zacharias and Elisabeth, I read the entire 1st chapter of Luke. When the Angel Gabriel tells Mary that her cousin Elisabeth has conceived he follows it up with "For with God nothing shall be impossible".

I am trying to live with faith, to remember that with God nothing is impossible. I am trying not to let my mind and my heart go crazy. I have intentionally NOT purchased any pregnancy tests. I will try to wait a little longer this time. Maybe until 5 weeks. I say try. I will try. And if it happens again, I will be okay and we will keep trying,

Hill Aerospace Museum, Wolf Creek and Brigham City

Back in April Ken and I went to the Wolf Creek location of our vacation club. I liked it so much that I immediately began planning a return trip with the boys, and my Parents. 

We went up on Monday and our first stop was the Hill Aerospace Museum....well, our first stop was this Russian Tank, which J hated.....with a passion.

At the Museum we looked at planes, Lost J, Found J and looked at more planes.

J put on a press conference.  

This is a B24, which is the type of plane that my Grandfather Turner flew during WWII. I've never seen one before. 
This is what my boys did while we were looking at the B24
My boys compared to the tire of a Troop Transport Plane.
Can you tell that little B had a fantastic time at the Museum?

We checked in at our condo at Wolf Creek and the boys were immediately impressed with their room, in fact at bedtime I asked "do you want to read some books" and J quickly answered "No, lets just go to bed."

The next morning Grandma Turner helped the boys make a fort.

We finished our trip by touring the new Brigham City Temple. It was beautiful. There was such an amazing spirit there, as we entered the parking garage (yep, the parking garage is where the tour started) I felt overjoyed, I almost cried. It was a great experience.
Each temple has it's own unique design theme, and the Brigham City Temples theme is Peach Blossoms. The round windows have peach blossom designed glass, and there is peach blossom stone work. So pretty.
And with that, I am pretty much caught up- picture wise :)

Beginning of August, Home

As August began we were blessed with a visit from Ken's oldest brother and his family. Their son was entering the MTC. It was a happy occasion.

J, of course, tried to steal their van.

The first weekend in August we went to the Olsen Reunion.

It was held at a really great park

There was a bountiful supply of food and sweet treats. It was also B's 2nd Birthday that day

I made him this beautiful Chocolate Banana Cake- and yes, that's a picture of a Monkey, not a picture of B.

I am not sure what is happening in this picture, but it seemed like both boys were having I thought I would include it.

The Birthday Boy! I love his new "Cheese" smile.

The next week I had a couple of financial miracles- small ones. The story of the first miracle being this. I needed some new running shoes, so I got an E-gift card for JC Penny from Discover Rewards. It was kind of weird, it was for $50 and I just printed it out and it said it was good at the I went. I found some shoes, and a swimsuit and I expected to have to pay a little extra. The Clerk told me that my total was $47 or something like that. I looked at her funny and mentioned that the shoes were $45. She checked the register and said that they had only rung up at $ I went and got a second pair. Then for some reason the $50 gift card covered the entire transaction- even though my total was $58 before tax. I had her call a manager and the manager looked at everything  looked at the receipt and asked the clerk lots of questions and then she turned to me and said something like "Congratulations, you got a deal!" I don't know why it happened, but I told Ken that it made me feel like God was up there knowing that I was feeling down, having just miscarried, and he knew that I LOVED getting deals so he made sure I got the deal of the century. Nike running shoes for $18 WHAT? But then to get all of it, basically for free. I was amazed.

That same day we set up bunk beds in the boys room. These are the same bunk beds that my Dad made for us when we were little girls.They still seem pretty sturdy and the boys love them.

More Bedtime Cheese.

We decided that it was time to get J a bike, he LOVES it. 

Financial Miracle number 2 goes like this. I had heard that a local attorney, Robert J. DeBry, sells bike helmets at a discounted price so the next day we went down to his office. I brought $10 in change from my change jar. I figured for $5 per helmet I might as well get B one too. While we were picking out our helmets Mr. DeBry came by, he said that since he didn't want those cute kids getting hurt he would give us our helmets for free! FREE! I cried a little.

Home, Fourth Week of July

Apparently we didn't use the camera much during the 4th week of July....oops. 
Here is what we captured. Ken and J went on a camping trip!

While camping J learned a little bit about fires. Like you should always stand at a safe distance, (that is what J told me, I was impressed) AND if you want your fire to get bigger you should pour water on it. I told J I didn't think that was true, that if you poured water on your fire the fire would go out. "Somebody tell you the wrong thing Mommy ......
......When you want your fire to get big you put fire water on it and it goes BOOM!!!!!" 
a little while later, after much discussion about fire and fire water I decided that someone at the camp out must have had some lighter fluid.

The next day we went to the Dowdle Reunion. It was lots of fun, our cousins Jennifer and Jessica drove down with Jessica's little baby, we saw lots of other cousins and I put a few bracelets and earrings in the Chinese auction- they were much sought after :) 

This week also brought us great joy as we found out that we were pregnant. That Wednesday I took a pregnancy test and it was positive. I wanted to make sure so I went to my doctors office on Friday morning and their test agreed. Sadly, the next week everything went wrong and I had an early miscarriage. More on that later I guess. 

Yosemite, Third Week of July

The boys and I went with my parents and my sister Laurie and her Family on a trip to Yosemite. Is it ever a good sign when you brake your baby on the first day of a trip? Well, I did. B fell off of a merry go round at a park in Winnemucca Nevada, a trip to the ER confirmed that he had a broken collar bone. Poor, poor baby B.

He was the cutest broken boy at Yosemite though.

This was the second time I've been to Yosemite, it's beautiful, I would love to go back again and do some hiking. It was fun to be there with my boys.

J is all about climbing, he climbed anything that he could get close too. 

Laurie and her family spent 2 days in Yosemite, but Grandma and Grandpa Turner and the boys and I went back to the Wheeler Cabin after our day in the park. 
The next day the boys and both sets of Grandparents headed over to Cover's Apple Ranch.

At the Ranch we rode the train. It was fantastic.

This should be proof of just how fantastic the train ride was!

When I woke up on Wednesday morning this is what I saw out  my window, I thought it was beautiful and tried to capture the moment. I might blow it up and display it, what do you think?

We returned home to our Daddy safe and sound. It was lots of fun for my boys to have both sets of their Grandparents in one location- fun and only slightly confusing.

Home, Second Week of July

The day after we got home from Colorado J had his final Soccer game.....but wait, that's not J you say? You are right, that is B. Ken got tired of J standing there not doing anything during the game and so he put J's shirt on B and let him have a go at it. If my memory serves me correctly B did chase the ball around the field.
After the Game our neighborhood had a Fourth of July Brunch and the ever industrious B found the coolest snacks around.
Later in the week I was making some bread and J wanted to "Play" with me. He didn't understand that I wasn't exactly playing. So he started to ask for things, first it was his own stove, then a microwave, then a sink and an oven and a refrigerator. It was fun to watch him in his kitchen, he is quite the chef.
There just weren't enough pictures of J in this post....I don't quite know why he is sitting on my flour bucket, but he's a cutie, so there you go.
And that was the second week of July

Colorado! First Week of July

At the very begging of July we went to Colorado. We went to visit Becky in Pueblo first and since that is at least a 10 hour trip we decided to cut it in half. I got a room at the Holiday Inn in Grand Junction- for $40! The boys had a blast, they got to ride on the luggage rack and jump on hotel beds and B even got to sleep in a swank hotel crib! Unfortunately some soccer playing zombies attacked the men in the room next to ours from about 1 AM to 4 AM so Ken and I didn't sleep to well. Other than that we had a pretty good experience at the Holiday Inn.

The next morning we piled back in the car and took off for Pueblo, where we found Becky- she needed lots of love and our boys were very willing to provide her with cuddles. 

We discovered Children's literature has fallen on hard times, good thing there is such a thing as censorship. I don't even want to know what the original title of this book was :)

We left Pueblo and headed for Fort Collins where we got to celebrate the first birthday of our little cousin Micheal. We had fun with Tim and Liz and their entire family.

We also climbed trees while we......
waited for a city bus.....
and then rode the bus.....
along its entire route.

As you can see from the smiles, it was lots of fun.

We visited the Swetsville Zoo

Run from the Dinosaurs B, RUN!!!!! all the animals at the Swetsville Zoo are made of Car Parts. 

We also visited living animals at the Denver Zoo.

Who needs hair gel when your Mom has sunscreen.....I like the new do, don't you?

We saw Elephants.....
became elephants.

J practiced for when he is on Season 55 of the Amazing will still be on in 20 or so years, right.....

And the kids played in the best place in the house- the crawl space, of course!

Ken and went for a walk with none other than Captain America!

And on our way home we stopped off at the Evanston  McDonald's because they have the coolest seats in the entire world. Seriously, where else can you sit on a saddle while you eat Micky Dee's Delicacy's

And that was our Colorado Trip :)