Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Delay

Good News and Bad News.
Good News- The nursing staff in Same Day Surgery at IMC LOVES ME! They all know me apparently and I was the talk of the town for a few days after my last surgery, they are all hoping the next surgery goes well.
Bad News- The Next surgery got rescheduled from Tomorrow to Thursday....one more day to wait..... Bah.

Sunday, May 27, 2012

Waiting for Wednesday

The CT Scan has been read, the Doctor relayed the news. I have a colon cozier- that's what I've named it. Best case scenario is that the IUD is attached to the outside of my of my colon, there were lots of big words that I can't remember right now and probably couldn't have spelled correctly had I tired to write them down when I was talking to the doctor- though when I repeated them back to the doctor, I did amazingly well. Anyway- best case scenario is that they can get it out of it's little hiding place laparoscopically, worse case scenario (hopefully, I'm sure there could be worse) would be that they have to scrap the laparoscope and use their hands and cut into my colon. I am really, really, really ready for this all to be over. I am very much happy that it's not embedded in my Uterus. I never thought I would say "Phew! So glad that silly thing decided to embed itself in my colon" Yeah, I don't think that statement even made it on the list of "Things I can imagine myself saying....." 

So over the past week I've had a scripture enter my thoughts a few times, Proverbs 3:5-6 "5 Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. 6 In all thy ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct thy paths." I always want to know why. I ask that question a lot. I am pretty sure, that to God, I must sound like my 4 year old sounds to me. I recently used the phrase "Because I'm Mom and I said so" for the first time. I guess I should have said "Trust me". But God is perfect, he is much more worthy of Trust than me. (Wait, I am pretty sure I said "Because I'm Mom and I said so" after I had denied a request to eat cookies for breakfast several times, I probably could have said "Trust me, your tummy will hurt!" but that is another story, so I will get back on track) I know, with all my heart that I can trust in the Lord. If there is anyone who understands my pain and my heart ache it is him, he suffers with me, I know that I am not alone in any of my trails. And so I was very comforted by this scripture. It calmed me, and I heard "Kate, you aren't going to know why. Trust me, I will take care of you.". I look back over this past month and though it's been a long and convoluted path, though there have been lots of failures, my mind and my heart have been opened to different possibilities as far as health care providers go. 

Today I was talking to Ken, and I verbalized something that I was wondering about. I've been wanting to try a birth with a CNM, I've been plotting and planning for a while now. But maybe that's the wrong thing for me and I just wasn't hearing the warnings. And maybe, just maybe, my path has be redirected back to an Obstetrician. I may never know. 

What I do know is that I am very well taken care of. I have a loving family. I have wonderful friends and neighbors and I have found a great doctor who really seems to want me to be free of this IUD as much as I do. And most of all, I have a Savior, who understands me and will guide my paths, if I will but trust Him. So if you find yourself needing something to do on Wednesday Morning- say a little prayer for me.

Thursday, May 24, 2012

Close to Heaven

The sky is blue and there are fluffy white clouds. I noticed that it was warmer inside than it was outside, so I opened a few windows and the sweetest little breeze has been my companion today. I love it, because it is flowing through my bedroom window and bringing with it the scent of the honeysuckle that is hidden in my backyard. I love that smell and I love that my house is filled with it today. We spent some time outside, I sat on a blanket in the shade under a tree and the boys played at the park. I enjoyed time with other Moms from the neighborhood. I've been listening to birds chirping happily all day. I may be wrong, but I'm pretty sure this is what heaven is like.

I haven't had the best week and a half. My surgery last Tuesday was a failure. I give the doctors lots of credit, they tried hard. Should I have warned them that (apparently) I am being refined and as such this whole experience wouldn't be easy, it wouldn't be routine? I couldn't have. I didn't know, I don't know. I wish I could say that I woke up each morning with joy and the knowledge that everything will be fine. But I haven't. I've allowed myself to wallow a bit in self pity. Was that wrong? I don't know, but I do know it's a little hard not to wallow when it hurts to move.

I was in shock for a long time. You don't expect to wake up and have your doctor tell you that the surgery was unsuccessful. At least, that had never been my experience before. Suddenly it was my experience, it was my present. Seconds ticked by and I couldn't understand why, it wasn't there, they looked, they brought in other surgeons, they took more Xrays, it was there but they couldn't find it. After much longer than expected the doctor found Ken and asked him how they should proceed. There were 2 options. They could continue with the current surgery and be more invasive, poke around a little more. Or they could close me up and let me heal and do a CT Scan to get a more precise location and then bring me back in for an actual hospital stay and a real cut my belly open and use their hands kind of surgery. Ken opted for the second option. I think he was right, but I wish that they had just been able to find it the first time.

So I've recovered from an unsuccessful surgery. I've cried a little and wondered a lot. I've had a bit of melancholy. I wouldn't say I've been depressed. But I've just kind of been in Limbo- I'm neither here nor there. I was not the first person to describe my current state as Limbo, I must admit that, but when a friend threw it out there one day I said "You're right, I feel like I'm in limbo. And you know what limbo is? It is neither heaven nor hell. It's just a place where you wait" And I hate waiting. Well, I waited 8 days and yesterday Ken and I went to see the doctor again. Like many OB/GYN's he was delivering a baby when we showed up for our appointment, so we spent a little extra time waiting. We were in an exam room but the door had been left open and we overheard a doctor ask a nurse if she could give someone an information packet about the Mirena. I chuckled. Ken said it was good to hear me laugh, he hadn't heard me laugh in days. This made me sad. I wanted out of limbo SO BADLY!

The doctor arrived and He talked to us a little more, answered some questions and looked at my incisions.  He said that I looked healed enough to get a good CT scan with the hope that it would reveal the exact location of the offending item. There were several options but the two most likely are that it is completely embedded in the wall of my uterus or that it is in my bladder. He also said he was really really sorry that this was happening. (I need to remember 2 things related to the doctor being sorry-1-I feel like I should send him a card and thank him for taking me on as a patient even though it seems like everything that could go wrong did- for a while I was a little worried that I was a women without a country- that I would never find a doctor who would be willing to shepherd me through this very confusing process, I mean who wants to clean up a mess that someone else made? And -2- What if this is not my trial BUT HIS? Interesting thought- if you are blessed to be able to suffer through someone else's trial....do you get extra special blessings at the end? just some thoughts.....back to the original post)

I have been hoping to have a baby- thus the necessity to remove the IUD- and I have also been thinking that since I've delivered a baby without anesthesia or medication before, that maybe I could do it again, and why not try a Certified Nurse Midwife! Well, I know from working for a group of CNM's that they don't take on High Risk Pregnancies, it's outside their area of expertise. And so I asked, if it is embedded in my uterus, it will need to be cut out and so I will have a scar on my uterus SO would that make any future pregnancies High Risk? He very quickly said "No, you will just need C-Sections" BOOOOOOOOM There goes the Natural Childbirth option......This made me sad. Back to limbo I go.

Ken drove me to another hospital because they had availability that day with their CT Scanner. We waited some more and eventually I was scanned. Did you know that a CT Scanner has a Class 2 Laser somewhere in it? I didn't, until I read a little message on the machine as I was laying there. It said "Class 2 Laser. Do not stare directly at the laser." and this only made me wonder where the laser was. Had I already stared at it? Anyway. We are now awaiting the results. If it is in my Uterus then we will probably consult with a Fertility Specialist to make sure that themost appropriate Surgeon does the job, if it's in my bladder then I will become friends with a Urologist, if my Colon is harboring the criminal, then .....who would it be..... Gastroenterologist? Do they like Colons? It's all, so very much, up in the air.

And so today, after I had danced with my little B, and done the dishes and wiped down the counters and tried to make the floor less sticky. After trying my best to make the front room presentable. After going about the motions of the day (I did try to make it an exciting day- B was dressed as a Pirate for an hour or two, he is one cute little pirate that one) I slowly began to realize how close to Heaven I really am. So I may be in limbo, but I can still enjoy the scent of the honeysuckle as it lofts through my house. I can enjoy the blue sky and the company of the chirping birds and kind neighbors. I can enjoy the smiles on the dirty, sticky little faces of my sweet angel boys. God never intended this life to be Heaven, but he made it possible for me to get a glimpse of it sometimes. And today, I recognized that.

So I am going to try to keep my spirits up, I am going to keep the faith. After all Faith is believing, not seeing, not knowing, Believing. I Believe that eventually this will be over. Next week, the first week of June.....eventually.

Monday, May 14, 2012

Happy Anniversary Trip

Oops, I just noticed that I never finished this post......I mean I uploaded pictures 2 weeks ago. What happened? oh yeah, I've been a mess since then......So here you go.

Ken and I went to Wolf Creek! We had a nice little one bedroom condo. Here's Ken in our kitchen :)
We visited the Monastery just outside Huntsville. It was interesting. I've never been to a monastery, we arrived just in time to see them chant. I heard that the youngest of the monks is in his 80's. They are cute, but  it kind of made me sad. No one wants to be a monk anymore?  Here's me in front of the Chapel at the Monastery.
WE at at the Huntsville BBQ Company, it was good- and we got to sit in a ski lift!
We took full advantage of our Condo and I cooked/ prepared 4 of our 6 meals while we were there. I had extra veggies and I decided to put them in some scrambled eggs on the last morning we were there. I knew Ken wouldn't enjoy the veggies as much as I would so I made him some eggs without them- here are my 2 eggs with veggies on the left and Ken's eggs on the right. I love veggies.
We had a great trip, in fact it was so much fun that I started planning our next wolf creek trip immediately after we got home.

Let's hear it for Adversity!

So. How are you doing? I've been  better. My sister just told me something (well, I guess she told lots of people something because it was on facebook but it resonated with me), she said "If adversity  is a sign that things are going well..... Hallelujah. I have arrived at the good life!" And, I said Hallelujah too. I am pretty sure just about all of us are feeling adversity right now, and it's totally strange to me- Weird and sometimes even Bad things seem to be happening Everywhere! And I am feeling the Adversity in my life as well.

I've been feeling VERY baby hungry for a few months now. After having little B, I had an IUD inserted and so in order to have another baby I needed to get it removed. Easy Peasy, right? Well for most people it would be easy, but not for me. The doctor couldn't get it out, it seemed stuck.....then the wires broke off. First time that had ever happened to him, he continued attempts to remove it but eventually felt that it was "Embedded" and possibly even partially through the wall of my uterus.  He referred me to an OB/GYN. I cried. Not in the doctors office, but in my home, by myself, in my bedroom, while I was trying to pray. All I could do was cry. I felt like God heard me, I felt comfort, but the IUD didn't magically get fixed. I wasn't expecting that, but I also wasn't expecting what happened next.

I called the OB/GYN and was told that their next available appointment was in January!!!!! WHAT? Another doctor in his office was able to get me in in 8 days, instead of 8 months....so I waited. It was a long 8 days. The day came and yet another very competent and nice doctor couldn't get that thing out, it was most definitely embedded and I was once again referred to a different doctor- this time the new doctor was FORCED to see me the very next day, as a favor. He and his ultrasound machine worked very hard but this time- unlike the two previous physicians- he couldn't even locate the IUD. So he sent me to get an X-Ray. After the IUD's location was identified he would know what kind of surgery he would need to do in order to remove it. Well, as luck would have it, the IUD showed up on the X-Ray and it was verified that it was no longer where it should have been, rather it was wandering around, having a grand ole time, in my Pelvis.

So tomorrow, I get to have surgery. The doctor will remove the IUD Laparoscopically, (I may have just made that word up) but he also will perform a hysteroscopy to try to figure out why and how this happened. FYI, a Hysteroscopy is not a Hysterectomy- don't get too scared about that- But there is a camera involved. That part of the surgery is purely a fact finding mission and I have high hopes that the doctor will tell me that I will have no future issues with conceiving or pregnancies because of this. As it stands right now, I feel like there must be a whole in my uterus, I feel broken, I feel sad.

I've learned some things about myself over the past few days, I am apparently a super patient. I have an amazingly high pain tolerance and a super amount of patience. I have been in amazing need of help. I quietly sat in waiting rooms, and lay on those super comfortable tables in the doctor's offices. I've wanted to scream "HELP ME! FIX ME!!!!PLEASE!!!!!!" But I didn't. I did tell God that I needed help, I asked him to fix me.  And I've realized that, though it seem like it's been a little slower than I would have preferred or expected, he has helped me find the people who could fix me and he gave me Ken, who has been there to hold me when I just needed to cry.

So, yeah, I'm yet to be fixed. I'm waiting for the call from the hospital telling when to show up tomorrow. I'm a little scared because I felt a little depressed after last months surgery and I was worried that it was a side effect of the anesthesia and I wasn't expecting to be going under anesthesia again anytime soon. Now I am finding myself saying "Do it, do what ever you need to do, just get this thing out of me and make sure I can have babies!" but I'm still kind of scared.

So, I am going to try to remember what my sister said "If adversity  is a sign that things are going well..... Hallelujah. I have arrived at the good life!" I can do this, I can do hard things. Yesterday at church there was a quote about trials- and I don't remember the exact words, nor who was being quoted, but it basically said something like this. No one will escape trials. Some trials will kill us, some we merely pass through and some  we have to learn to live with. I am trying to hope that this is a trial that I am merely passing through, I feel as if I am strolling through it when I would rather be sprinting through it, but I hope and pray that it will soon be over, but IF adversity is a sign that things are going well......then Hallelujah!

Friday, May 11, 2012

"This is a good essersize bike"

Last fall we bought J a bike at a local thrift store- it was $5 but it didn't have training wheels, SURELY we would be able to borrow some. Well, today I tried on the 3rd set of borrowed training wheels. And for the 3rd time we discovered that they were too big for the bike. We've tried everything- we could think of, we made sure that people knew we were looking for the smallest training wheels available, I even altered some with a metal file to see if we could make them shorter. I was about to give up and just buy a brand new bike. But J thought of something else. Who cares if the back tire of your bike doesn't touch the ground.

video
I love that he loves to "Essersize".