Thursday, May 24, 2012

Close to Heaven

The sky is blue and there are fluffy white clouds. I noticed that it was warmer inside than it was outside, so I opened a few windows and the sweetest little breeze has been my companion today. I love it, because it is flowing through my bedroom window and bringing with it the scent of the honeysuckle that is hidden in my backyard. I love that smell and I love that my house is filled with it today. We spent some time outside, I sat on a blanket in the shade under a tree and the boys played at the park. I enjoyed time with other Moms from the neighborhood. I've been listening to birds chirping happily all day. I may be wrong, but I'm pretty sure this is what heaven is like.

I haven't had the best week and a half. My surgery last Tuesday was a failure. I give the doctors lots of credit, they tried hard. Should I have warned them that (apparently) I am being refined and as such this whole experience wouldn't be easy, it wouldn't be routine? I couldn't have. I didn't know, I don't know. I wish I could say that I woke up each morning with joy and the knowledge that everything will be fine. But I haven't. I've allowed myself to wallow a bit in self pity. Was that wrong? I don't know, but I do know it's a little hard not to wallow when it hurts to move.

I was in shock for a long time. You don't expect to wake up and have your doctor tell you that the surgery was unsuccessful. At least, that had never been my experience before. Suddenly it was my experience, it was my present. Seconds ticked by and I couldn't understand why, it wasn't there, they looked, they brought in other surgeons, they took more Xrays, it was there but they couldn't find it. After much longer than expected the doctor found Ken and asked him how they should proceed. There were 2 options. They could continue with the current surgery and be more invasive, poke around a little more. Or they could close me up and let me heal and do a CT Scan to get a more precise location and then bring me back in for an actual hospital stay and a real cut my belly open and use their hands kind of surgery. Ken opted for the second option. I think he was right, but I wish that they had just been able to find it the first time.

So I've recovered from an unsuccessful surgery. I've cried a little and wondered a lot. I've had a bit of melancholy. I wouldn't say I've been depressed. But I've just kind of been in Limbo- I'm neither here nor there. I was not the first person to describe my current state as Limbo, I must admit that, but when a friend threw it out there one day I said "You're right, I feel like I'm in limbo. And you know what limbo is? It is neither heaven nor hell. It's just a place where you wait" And I hate waiting. Well, I waited 8 days and yesterday Ken and I went to see the doctor again. Like many OB/GYN's he was delivering a baby when we showed up for our appointment, so we spent a little extra time waiting. We were in an exam room but the door had been left open and we overheard a doctor ask a nurse if she could give someone an information packet about the Mirena. I chuckled. Ken said it was good to hear me laugh, he hadn't heard me laugh in days. This made me sad. I wanted out of limbo SO BADLY!

The doctor arrived and He talked to us a little more, answered some questions and looked at my incisions.  He said that I looked healed enough to get a good CT scan with the hope that it would reveal the exact location of the offending item. There were several options but the two most likely are that it is completely embedded in the wall of my uterus or that it is in my bladder. He also said he was really really sorry that this was happening. (I need to remember 2 things related to the doctor being sorry-1-I feel like I should send him a card and thank him for taking me on as a patient even though it seems like everything that could go wrong did- for a while I was a little worried that I was a women without a country- that I would never find a doctor who would be willing to shepherd me through this very confusing process, I mean who wants to clean up a mess that someone else made? And -2- What if this is not my trial BUT HIS? Interesting thought- if you are blessed to be able to suffer through someone else's you get extra special blessings at the end? just some thoughts.....back to the original post)

I have been hoping to have a baby- thus the necessity to remove the IUD- and I have also been thinking that since I've delivered a baby without anesthesia or medication before, that maybe I could do it again, and why not try a Certified Nurse Midwife! Well, I know from working for a group of CNM's that they don't take on High Risk Pregnancies, it's outside their area of expertise. And so I asked, if it is embedded in my uterus, it will need to be cut out and so I will have a scar on my uterus SO would that make any future pregnancies High Risk? He very quickly said "No, you will just need C-Sections" BOOOOOOOOM There goes the Natural Childbirth option......This made me sad. Back to limbo I go.

Ken drove me to another hospital because they had availability that day with their CT Scanner. We waited some more and eventually I was scanned. Did you know that a CT Scanner has a Class 2 Laser somewhere in it? I didn't, until I read a little message on the machine as I was laying there. It said "Class 2 Laser. Do not stare directly at the laser." and this only made me wonder where the laser was. Had I already stared at it? Anyway. We are now awaiting the results. If it is in my Uterus then we will probably consult with a Fertility Specialist to make sure that themost appropriate Surgeon does the job, if it's in my bladder then I will become friends with a Urologist, if my Colon is harboring the criminal, then .....who would it be..... Gastroenterologist? Do they like Colons? It's all, so very much, up in the air.

And so today, after I had danced with my little B, and done the dishes and wiped down the counters and tried to make the floor less sticky. After trying my best to make the front room presentable. After going about the motions of the day (I did try to make it an exciting day- B was dressed as a Pirate for an hour or two, he is one cute little pirate that one) I slowly began to realize how close to Heaven I really am. So I may be in limbo, but I can still enjoy the scent of the honeysuckle as it lofts through my house. I can enjoy the blue sky and the company of the chirping birds and kind neighbors. I can enjoy the smiles on the dirty, sticky little faces of my sweet angel boys. God never intended this life to be Heaven, but he made it possible for me to get a glimpse of it sometimes. And today, I recognized that.

So I am going to try to keep my spirits up, I am going to keep the faith. After all Faith is believing, not seeing, not knowing, Believing. I Believe that eventually this will be over. Next week, the first week of June.....eventually.


squishe said...

Kate you flipping amaze me! I TOTALLY get the limbo thing....I feel like I've been there for 6 months now. I'm so glad your boys can help make your days nicer! We should hang out soon, maybe do a craft night! LOVES!

Julie said...


I'm so sorry! None of that sounds like fun. Let me know if I can help in any way...I know I work during the day, but I could always babysit in the early evening?