Tuesday, December 10, 2013

Big Enough, Good Enough, Strong Enough....

Last Tuesday night, the baby was a little fussy and having a hard time sleeping. Eventually I gave up trying to get her to sleep in her bed and I sat on the couch and held her............all night long. While I was pregnant, I was addicted to hearing her heartbeat, and now that she is here, she is showing signs of an addiction to my heartbeat. If I place her little head on my chest, she will usually calm down and fall asleep. That night I slept on and off, while I sat on the couch holding my sleeping baby, and in the morning I was quite upset with myself. What if I had dropped her? I didn't, but what if I had? What if she had rolled off my chest while I was dozing. I felt horrible, the fact that I had only slept for about 2 hours added to that feeling. 
That next day she had a pretty normal day, but that afternoon she started fussing again. I know this fussiness is normal, but it was eerily similar to the previous night, and Ken was going back to work the next morning. THEN- it got worse. Here's my Facebook status from that night.

"It's quite possibly the perfect storm of crappiness. Ken has to go back to work tomorrow. The baby hasn't slept for more than a 1/2 hour at a time since 4 (which makes me worry that the sleeplessness of last night might continue tonight) AND J just threw up. YAY! Pray for us. Ken's going to try to get the baby to sleep and I am going to bed, right now."

That was just after 7 pm. Right before I got in bed my neighbor (who happens to also be my Visiting Teacher) called. She had made some soup for their dinner and she had a lot leftover, she wondered if we wanted any. I started to cry. Yes, we would love the soup, but we could also use some prayers. She promised that she would bring the soup for dinner the next day and that she would also pray for us.
I prayed again, begging God to help my baby sleep, I was so tired, I was afraid I wouldn't be able to take care of her or her brothers if I didn't get sleep. I was scared, so scared about the next day when I would be alone with my 3 children for the first time. I had no idea how I would make it work if I only had 2 hours of sleep again. I took half a sleep aid and got into bed. I woke up when the baby cried around Midnight, she ate and went back to sleep for 3 more hours, then ate and went back to sleep again. It was AMAZING!
The next day I had a very interesting feeling. I felt like I was going about this whole "Mom of 3" thing all wrong. I had been praying, BEGGING God to make certain things happen. And for the most part he had blessed me with those things I had been asking for, but sometimes, like that sleepless night, it was hard to see where the blessings were. 

But on Thursday morning, my outlook changed. Here is how I explained it to the world....once again- through Facebook.

"Today I decided that rather than tell God what I need him to do, I should ask him to give me the ability to do whatever he needs me to do. It seems to be working :) "

Why, oh WHY had I never thought about life this way before? I felt kind of changed in a way. That Tuesday night I was doing my best, MY best, and I guess it was enough. I mean my baby slept, but I was left exhausted and that was not a good thing for my mental and emotional health. I worried that I wasn't enough, that my best wouldn't be good enough. And you know what- it probably wouldn't have been in the long run. BUT, I am not alone. I know God lives, and I know he loves me and he loves my family and when I made that change from telling God what I needed to asking him to give me the ability to handle whatever comes my way, to do whatever he needed me to do, and he did!

Thursday was an amazing day, Friday was pretty great too. I realized I could do this, and I felt, so completely, that I wasn't doing it on my own. My Heavenly Father, he made me Big Enough, Good Enough, Strong Enough, to do what needed to be done. Am I doing everything perfectly? No. Is every moment of our lives blissful? Nope. Have the kind little forest creatures come to help me get the cleaning done? That's a big negatory, good buddy. BUT, I've been able to do what needs to be done, everyone gets to school and preschool, we all get fed, the baby gets held and cuddled and naps and everything else babies need, the laundry and the dishes get done AND sometimes a counter gets wiped down or socks and shoes get picked up! I even get dressed! It's Miraculous! And it's a big big blessing.

I do find that it's really easy to slip back into thinking "I need to DO THIS!!!!! Heavenly Father, you need to make this happen!!!" but when I start feeling that kind of anxiety creep into my mind I try to remember to stop, and ask God to give me the ability to do what HE needs me to do, and he does and I am grateful.

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