Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Things I will never really understand

If you've been wondering where I've been for the last month, well, I've been keeping a secret. I was pregnant and I wanted to talk about it SO I didn't blog.

Yesterday was a horrible day. My horrible day had nothing to do with politics and everything to do with things that are beyond my understanding. Back in August I remember telling Ken that I was afraid to try to get pregnant again because I didn't know if my heart could handle losing another pregnancy. Well, We were blessed to be able to get pregnant again, pretty quickly, and this time things seemed to be going well, the lab tests more than doubled, I saw a heart beat at an early ultrasound and I even started feeling really sick. I went in yesterday for one more ultrasound and sadly, there was no heartbeat. I spent a lot of time crying yesterday. I didn't understand. I don't understand. I don't know if I ever will. I was just starting to feel comfortable, to feel like all was well and then SLAM the rug was pulled out from under me and I fell hard. It hurt. 

What made it really confusing was the fact that I was still feeling nauseated and tired and tender, I was feeling very pregnant but the ultrasound didn't lie. I was told what to expect and given instructions and then I started my wait. The wait for all those nice hormones that were making me sick and tired and tender to go away and for my body to recognize that there had been a change, and then the real fun would begin. For the moment I'm in limbo.

As I went to bed last night I really felt confused and somewhat faithless. I felt like I had been playing that trust game where you fall backwards and someone catches you, but no one caught me, and I felt like God should have caught me. I struggled, I believe in God, I have faith in him, but it's hard to trust someone who drops you. And then at about 4 AM I started to have some cramping. and I didn't freak out or anything, I was expecting it after all. When Ken woke up I told him that it was a tender mercy, I think it would have been more horrible for me to think that everything was okay and then wake up at 4 AM cramping. It's amazing how quickly my feelings changed, I went from feeling like God had abandoned me to feeling like he had softened the blow for me, he knows me and this miscarriage was going to happen and he put me in the place where my fall would be the most cushioned. And that is AMAZING! 

I'm still waiting for it all to happen. The cramps were just cramps, an early sign of what's to come. 

What else is to come? I don't know. I've told Ken that I am not sure when I am going to be ready to try again. I'm scared, I don't know how much my heart can take. Maybe I need to find a pregnancy loss support group and just talk for a while. But for now, I feel the need to take care of me, get myself back in shape- both body wise and house wise. I need to get back into a good pattern with myself and my boys and my Ken, with my house and my running. And maybe then I will feel like I'm ready to branch out and risk my heart again, but for now, I'm not so sure.

This morning I was grateful for a new day. I woke up today. I cuddled my boys today. I ate ice cream for breakfast today (well second breakfast, I had eggs for first breakfast). Come what may, I have one more day with my family, the people I love. I don't know what will happen tomorrow, but I will live it, I will live through it and I HOPE I will love it (or at least appreciate it and/or understand it at some future point).

That is all, for now.

1 comment:

Liz Wheeler said...

Kate you are so brave and strong. You are in my thoughts and prayers.