Wednesday, November 4, 2009

The Waiting Game

You would think I would be used to it by now. Waiting. I've been doing it my whole life.

As a Child I waited for summer. When summer was over I waited for Christmas and after Christmas I waited for my Birthday. Junior High came and I waited for boys to notice me. High School came and I waited for it to be over. I waited for my First Date and my First Kiss. I waited for my real life to start. I eventually found myself waiting to fall in Love and waiting to get Married, which then led to waiting for children to come......

I really, really dislike waiting.

I think it is hitting me hard today. I am feeling a little lonely because I and many other members of my extended family are under a quasi-self imposed quarantine for a couple of days. On of the cousins has the Swine Flu and so in order to be good neighbors we are staying inside just in case we have it too. In another 24 hours we will know if we do or don't and then we can get on with our lives, but for now we are waiting.

I once again allowed myself to believe that I could get pregnant, and this morning I took a test, I was wrong. Within an hour or two of the negative test my tummy started to hurt- it was mocking me, telling me I would have to continue waiting. I live in the wrong place for someone who is forced to wait. There are too many incredibly fertile 24 year old women around here, maybe we should move to an area with a lot of retirees or something. Maybe that would help me forget the fact that I am still waiting. I have a near perfect son, at least in my eyes he is near perfection, some of his Aunts might disagree, but he is perfect for me. But with all the little tiny babies around I can't help but want my own tiny one too. Little J even seems to love the babies. And so I wait. It was worth the wait with J.

I am also waiting for my desire and my energy level to catch up with my dreams. I dream of being healthier. I dream of losing 45 more pounds. I have lost 15 yeah for me! but I haven't done anything but maintain for a month or more. Maintaining is good, but not when your goal is to lose. I have been worried this month about weight loss. As I said, I had allowed myself to believe that I could be pregnant and so I was wondering what my Doctor would say about trying to gain as little as possible or even trying to lose weight (eating good, healthy foods- getting enough calories- exercising) during pregnancy.

It is amazing how expressing these things is suddenly putting some things in perspective for me.
Let me share.

When we were trying to get pregnant in 2006 I received a very specific answer to a prayer. My question was, When, when will I be blessed with a child? The answer was June. I of course thought- great it is May, we will get pregnant next month. Well we didn't get pregnant. I then thought how silly I was, June would be our due date- of course- we would get pregnant in September. Well, September came and went and we had no baby. A year went by and in July of 2007 I found out I was pregnant- we had conceived in June! My Prayer had been answered and I had been blessed, I just had to wait for it. Did I say I don't like waiting.

So anyway, I have once again been asking that question of God. When. I beg. I plead. I haven't had the same type of answer, but I have had two very distinct impressions. The first being that I do need to lose weight. I feel that my body doesn't quite work right and it would work much better if it were in better shape- that should be enough to get me on that treadmill everyday don't you think. The second impression was that little J would be a wonderful only child, I would not lack for love if he were my only one. As I have been typing away today those two impressions came back to me and kind of wrapped themselves around me. They have brought me comfort and kind of made me sad all at the same time.

I think- now remember the story about June- when I decided what it meant I was wrong both times, so chances are I am wrong with this too- but anyway, I think that God has given me something to do while I wait, which is get healthy, get in shape, get ready for what is coming next. If I can do it, then maybe a new child will come into our family- maybe that child will need a mother who is strong and at her peak physically, maybe I will need to be really strong.But if it doesn't work out that way, if we are blessed to have only One Amazingly Fantastic Child, he will be enough, he will be able to give this Mother all the baby love she needs.

Speaking of which, that baby just woke up, guess I am done waiting for nap time to be over.

5 comments:

Deon said...

The waiting game is hard... (we are in the same boat) The Lord knows us and we will be able to handle our tests and we will be blessed for it.
(I have had two healthy babys and lost two and even though I have the two we just want one more so I am with you there)

angee said...

Waiting is hard. I remember going through a similar experience when I was trying to conceive Karlee in that particular ward. Now, as is always the case, I see in hindsight how timing was everything in this situation. Timing was everything. It doesn't make it any easier though, does it?!

I remember your experience when trying to conceive your little guy. I remember you telling me distinctly June. And I remember when you told me you were pregnant, and it all happened just as the Lord said it would. It strengthened my testimony, as well.

We'll keep you in our prayers 'cause waiting is hard! :)

Rachel said...

I hate waiting too. It's so hard when you want to add to your family and your body just isn't cooperating.... and all the 24 yr old fertile Myrtle's are not helpful either. :) Maybe now is a good time to just enjoy Baby J. I remember when I was just a couple of days away from delivering #2 and it hit me that instead of bemoaning the fact that I was a week overdue, I should really take advantage of those last moments with just mommy and Mr. S. I'm glad I did.

Here's hoping your waiting game comes to a pleasant end!

mj4toty said...

Hang in there! I know how hard it can be! As Michael Mcclean (sp?) sings...Hold on-when it seems like all hope is gone, just hold on...
And know that if you need a listening ear, I'm here. I know that I'm pregnant right now and maybe not the most comforting person to be around (I know, I've been on the other side of things), but I haven't forgotten the hurt. You were always there for me, let me know how I can be there for you! This is kind of long, but here's a poem I found on www.2ofu4now.org:
Wait
Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried:
Quietly, patiently, lovingly God replied.
I plead and I wept for a clue to my fate,
And the Master so gently said, 'Child, you must wait'.
'Wait? You say, wait! ' my indignant reply.
'Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!
Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By Faith, I have asked, and am claiming your Word.
My future and all to which I can relate
hangs in the balance, and YOU tell me to WAIT?
I'm needing a 'yes', a go-ahead sign,
or even a 'no' to which I can resign.
And Lord, You promised that if we believe
we need but to ask, and we shall receive.
And Lord, I've been asking, and this is my cry:
I'm weary of asking! I need a reply!
Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate
As my Master replied once again, 'You must wait.'
So, I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut
and grumbled to God, 'So, I'm waiting.... for what?'
He seemed, then, to kneel, and His eyes wept with mine,
And he tenderly said, 'I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens, and darken the sun.
I could raise the dead, and cause mountains to run.
All you seek, I could give, and pleased you would be.
You would have what you want But, you wouldn't know Me.
You'd not know the depth of My love for each saint;
You'd not know the power that I give to the faint;
You'd not learn to see through the clouds of despair;
You'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there;
You'd not know the joy of resting in Me
When darkness and silence were all you could see.
You'd never experience that fullness of love
As the peace of My Spirit descends like a dove;
You'd know that I give and I save.... (for a start),
But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart.
The glow of My comfort late into the night,
The faith that I give when you walk without sight,
The depth that's beyond getting just what you asked
Of an infinite God, who makes what you have LAST.
You'd never know, should your pain quickly flee,
What it means that 'My grace is sufficient for Thee.'
Yes, your dreams for your loved one overnight would come true,
But, Oh, the Loss! If I lost what I'm doing in you!
So, be silent, My Child, and in time you will see
That the greatest of gifts is to get to know Me.
And though oft' may My answers seem terribly late,
My most precious answer of all is still, 'WAIT.'

pdwheeler said...

I know how you feel. We even looked into adoption and the answer for us was "no". We are thankful for ou daughter and her six children but there is still an empty spot in my heart.