Wednesday, November 4, 2009
The Waiting Game
You would think I would be used to it by now. Waiting. I've been doing it my whole life.
As a Child I waited for summer. When summer was over I waited for Christmas and after Christmas I waited for my Birthday. Junior High came and I waited for boys to notice me. High School came and I waited for it to be over. I waited for my First Date and my First Kiss. I waited for my real life to start. I eventually found myself waiting to fall in Love and waiting to get Married, which then led to waiting for children to come......
I really, really dislike waiting.
I think it is hitting me hard today. I am feeling a little lonely because I and many other members of my extended family are under a quasi-self imposed quarantine for a couple of days. On of the cousins has the Swine Flu and so in order to be good neighbors we are staying inside just in case we have it too. In another 24 hours we will know if we do or don't and then we can get on with our lives, but for now we are waiting.
I once again allowed myself to believe that I could get pregnant, and this morning I took a test, I was wrong. Within an hour or two of the negative test my tummy started to hurt- it was mocking me, telling me I would have to continue waiting. I live in the wrong place for someone who is forced to wait. There are too many incredibly fertile 24 year old women around here, maybe we should move to an area with a lot of retirees or something. Maybe that would help me forget the fact that I am still waiting. I have a near perfect son, at least in my eyes he is near perfection, some of his Aunts might disagree, but he is perfect for me. But with all the little tiny babies around I can't help but want my own tiny one too. Little J even seems to love the babies. And so I wait. It was worth the wait with J.
I am also waiting for my desire and my energy level to catch up with my dreams. I dream of being healthier. I dream of losing 45 more pounds. I have lost 15 yeah for me! but I haven't done anything but maintain for a month or more. Maintaining is good, but not when your goal is to lose. I have been worried this month about weight loss. As I said, I had allowed myself to believe that I could be pregnant and so I was wondering what my Doctor would say about trying to gain as little as possible or even trying to lose weight (eating good, healthy foods- getting enough calories- exercising) during pregnancy.
It is amazing how expressing these things is suddenly putting some things in perspective for me.
Let me share.
When we were trying to get pregnant in 2006 I received a very specific answer to a prayer. My question was, When, when will I be blessed with a child? The answer was June. I of course thought- great it is May, we will get pregnant next month. Well we didn't get pregnant. I then thought how silly I was, June would be our due date- of course- we would get pregnant in September. Well, September came and went and we had no baby. A year went by and in July of 2007 I found out I was pregnant- we had conceived in June! My Prayer had been answered and I had been blessed, I just had to wait for it. Did I say I don't like waiting.
So anyway, I have once again been asking that question of God. When. I beg. I plead. I haven't had the same type of answer, but I have had two very distinct impressions. The first being that I do need to lose weight. I feel that my body doesn't quite work right and it would work much better if it were in better shape- that should be enough to get me on that treadmill everyday don't you think. The second impression was that little J would be a wonderful only child, I would not lack for love if he were my only one. As I have been typing away today those two impressions came back to me and kind of wrapped themselves around me. They have brought me comfort and kind of made me sad all at the same time.
I think- now remember the story about June- when I decided what it meant I was wrong both times, so chances are I am wrong with this too- but anyway, I think that God has given me something to do while I wait, which is get healthy, get in shape, get ready for what is coming next. If I can do it, then maybe a new child will come into our family- maybe that child will need a mother who is strong and at her peak physically, maybe I will need to be really strong.But if it doesn't work out that way, if we are blessed to have only One Amazingly Fantastic Child, he will be enough, he will be able to give this Mother all the baby love she needs.
Speaking of which, that baby just woke up, guess I am done waiting for nap time to be over.