Anesthesia and Me

There is something I've learned over the past 7 months of my life, Anesthesia and me are pretty much frenemies (or frienemies- how every you spell a made up word). I am grateful for anesthesia because it is very, very helpful during surgeries. BUT I get some side effects that I am not to pleased with. nausea and vomiting- I can deal with, but I get insomnia. BOOO, Booo to you insomnia. The fact that you come after a bad nights sleep (can you sleep before surgery?) only makes it that much worse. I Googled insomnia after surgery and sure enough, totally real, and good news- it should clear up within 2-3 weeks. yeah......  Is that enough complaining? I think so.

So, yeah, I had surgery yesterday, there were no signs of anything happening anytime soon with the loss of the pregnancy. It had been over a week since we found out that the baby no longer had a heartbeat and so on Wednesday, Ken and I went to a follow up appointment with my doctor. Nothing was happening, no cramps, no signs of impending anything. So we set up an appointment for a d&c at the hospital for the next day. The doctor hoped that we could still avoid the surgery and he had me try taking some large doses of Misoprostol (aka Cytotec) on Wednesday night in the hopes that it would get everything going and we could cancel the d&c. I spent a long night not feeling so great- first it was nausea, then 3 hours of something close to labor and then......pretty much nothing. In the morning I told the doctor how the night had gone and he said he would meet us at the hospital. So off we went, and everything went fine.

I was very well taken care of. My Anesthesiologist, after explaining all that would go on anesthesia-wise, took a moment to let me know that it was totally okay for me to cry after it was all over- I'm really not explaining that right. What did he say, he said something about how sometimes people feel very agitated after any anesthesia, but when you add the loss of a pregnancy on top of that, well, there is a very good chance for a lot of tears and that I shouldn't feel self-conscious if I should feel like crying, in fact if I did the doctors and nurses would cry right along with me. That really touched me (considering that I had already been crying as I lay on my gurney outside the surgical suite.)

It had been a long week, I had done a lot of grieving. I don't know if I've been through all the stages or if I took them in any order in particular, but I was sad, then I was angry, I don't know if bargained- I don't know what I would bargain for, then I was in denial (on Wednesday I knew the doctor would do another ultrasound and part of my heart really wanted to believe that he would start cheering and say he saw a heartbeat- yep, there's denial for you) and at a point last week I felt acceptance- I was really confused as to why I had to wait and wait and wait, never knowing where I would be when I started to physically lose the baby. I was angry for a little bit and then I realized I was angry at this poor little body inside me, when just days before I had been so grateful for that sweet little baby. I felt weird, I felt like I was a walking tomb. This  thought made me feel even weirder, for about 30 seconds, and then I thought about a tomb, about Christ, my savior, he rose from the tomb, I thought about how tombs are sacred places and I know it's really, really odd, BUT, I didn't feel so weird anymore and I kind of felt a little sacred myself. I had been blessed to be able to cherish this baby for the few weeks that it grew inside me and I was blessed to be able to continue to cradle its little body until I was ready to let go. And I was ready to let go.

All night on Wednesday night I prayed that whatever happened, it would be the right thing. If the pills worked I prayed that everything would go smoothly and I would  be able handle whatever happened. If the pills didn't work, I prayed that the procedure wouldn't be horrible, I had no idea what it would be like, what I would like, during and after either situation. Like I said earlier, I cried while I waited to be taken in for the procedure, but I really felt at ease after talking to the Anesthesiologist and my Doctor, my nurses were all very nice and comforting. And then I was waking up in the PACU with another comforting nurse, who eventually brought me down to the post-op area where Ken could be with me. After proving that I could keep clear liquids and soda crackers down (plus a couple other things) we got the okay to come home. And we did.

I don't know why, but I had the impression that I would feel empty inside, but I didn't. I can only assume that the timing had been right. I'm sure I still have grieving to do and I have vowed to let my self heal as much as I can, emotionally and physically. I still have aches and pains from the laparotomy at the end of May- so a few extra months of waiting before we try again will help with that too, I assume. The Doctor told Ken that he would like us to wait at least 3 months possibly up to 6 months, and I feel like that is going to be okay. Our baby will come when the time is right, and right now, for whatever reason, it's not the time.

NOW- if you've made it this far, I commend you and I hope that this next little bit makes all the rest of it worth it. As I said my prayers tonight I found that I was thankful, I just kept wanting to express how thankful I was. I will admit, I haven't been amazingly thankful over the past week or so, but I just felt overwhelmed with gratitude. I got in bed and struggled to sleep, eventually I did! But then, as seems to be a habit, I woke up needing to use the bathroom, I figured it was 3 or so in the morning....then I saw the clock 11:55. I tried again to sleep but couldn't, I finally decided to just get up. After a couple of hours I went back to bed but once again I couldn't sleep. I was just laying there next to my Ken, AMAZED at how wonderful he is. He has had to take quite a few days off this year to take care of me- Me the one who is the full time caregiver. And he has done it willingly. He is truly the biggest blessing in my life. So there I was, crying again, but this time it was good crying. I, being a very good wife, woke Ken up to tell him all about it. He is my best friend, he is the love of my life, he is the father of my children, he works hard to support our little family and he is AMAZING in every way. I don't feel like I deserve him, I'm sure we all feel that way about our greatest blessings, the greatest gifts that God gives us. I hope someday to prove to myself that I am worthy of such amazing love.

So, yes, I am awake in the middle of the night (actually it's past 5 AM now) but I'm not anxious, I just feel amazingly blessed. I hope that I always remember this, I don't know what I'm to learn from this whole experience, BUT I am glad I have learned this. I've known for a long time that I am a precious child of God, that he knows me, that he gave his Son for me and that Christ knows me and feels my pains with me. But tonight I think I came to understand that Eternal Love just a little bit more.