Anesthesia and Me

There is something I've learned over the past 7 months of my life, Anesthesia and me are pretty much frenemies (or frienemies- how every you spell a made up word). I am grateful for anesthesia because it is very, very helpful during surgeries. BUT I get some side effects that I am not to pleased with. nausea and vomiting- I can deal with, but I get insomnia. BOOO, Booo to you insomnia. The fact that you come after a bad nights sleep (can you sleep before surgery?) only makes it that much worse. I Googled insomnia after surgery and sure enough, totally real, and good news- it should clear up within 2-3 weeks. yeah......  Is that enough complaining? I think so.

So, yeah, I had surgery yesterday, there were no signs of anything happening anytime soon with the loss of the pregnancy. It had been over a week since we found out that the baby no longer had a heartbeat and so on Wednesday, Ken and I went to a follow up appointment with my doctor. Nothing was happening, no cramps, no signs of impending anything. So we set up an appointment for a d&c at the hospital for the next day. The doctor hoped that we could still avoid the surgery and he had me try taking some large doses of Misoprostol (aka Cytotec) on Wednesday night in the hopes that it would get everything going and we could cancel the d&c. I spent a long night not feeling so great- first it was nausea, then 3 hours of something close to labor and then......pretty much nothing. In the morning I told the doctor how the night had gone and he said he would meet us at the hospital. So off we went, and everything went fine.

I was very well taken care of. My Anesthesiologist, after explaining all that would go on anesthesia-wise, took a moment to let me know that it was totally okay for me to cry after it was all over- I'm really not explaining that right. What did he say, he said something about how sometimes people feel very agitated after any anesthesia, but when you add the loss of a pregnancy on top of that, well, there is a very good chance for a lot of tears and that I shouldn't feel self-conscious if I should feel like crying, in fact if I did the doctors and nurses would cry right along with me. That really touched me (considering that I had already been crying as I lay on my gurney outside the surgical suite.)

It had been a long week, I had done a lot of grieving. I don't know if I've been through all the stages or if I took them in any order in particular, but I was sad, then I was angry, I don't know if bargained- I don't know what I would bargain for, then I was in denial (on Wednesday I knew the doctor would do another ultrasound and part of my heart really wanted to believe that he would start cheering and say he saw a heartbeat- yep, there's denial for you) and at a point last week I felt acceptance- I was really confused as to why I had to wait and wait and wait, never knowing where I would be when I started to physically lose the baby. I was angry for a little bit and then I realized I was angry at this poor little body inside me, when just days before I had been so grateful for that sweet little baby. I felt weird, I felt like I was a walking tomb. This  thought made me feel even weirder, for about 30 seconds, and then I thought about a tomb, about Christ, my savior, he rose from the tomb, I thought about how tombs are sacred places and I know it's really, really odd, BUT, I didn't feel so weird anymore and I kind of felt a little sacred myself. I had been blessed to be able to cherish this baby for the few weeks that it grew inside me and I was blessed to be able to continue to cradle its little body until I was ready to let go. And I was ready to let go.

All night on Wednesday night I prayed that whatever happened, it would be the right thing. If the pills worked I prayed that everything would go smoothly and I would  be able handle whatever happened. If the pills didn't work, I prayed that the procedure wouldn't be horrible, I had no idea what it would be like, what I would like, during and after either situation. Like I said earlier, I cried while I waited to be taken in for the procedure, but I really felt at ease after talking to the Anesthesiologist and my Doctor, my nurses were all very nice and comforting. And then I was waking up in the PACU with another comforting nurse, who eventually brought me down to the post-op area where Ken could be with me. After proving that I could keep clear liquids and soda crackers down (plus a couple other things) we got the okay to come home. And we did.

I don't know why, but I had the impression that I would feel empty inside, but I didn't. I can only assume that the timing had been right. I'm sure I still have grieving to do and I have vowed to let my self heal as much as I can, emotionally and physically. I still have aches and pains from the laparotomy at the end of May- so a few extra months of waiting before we try again will help with that too, I assume. The Doctor told Ken that he would like us to wait at least 3 months possibly up to 6 months, and I feel like that is going to be okay. Our baby will come when the time is right, and right now, for whatever reason, it's not the time.

NOW- if you've made it this far, I commend you and I hope that this next little bit makes all the rest of it worth it. As I said my prayers tonight I found that I was thankful, I just kept wanting to express how thankful I was. I will admit, I haven't been amazingly thankful over the past week or so, but I just felt overwhelmed with gratitude. I got in bed and struggled to sleep, eventually I did! But then, as seems to be a habit, I woke up needing to use the bathroom, I figured it was 3 or so in the morning....then I saw the clock 11:55. I tried again to sleep but couldn't, I finally decided to just get up. After a couple of hours I went back to bed but once again I couldn't sleep. I was just laying there next to my Ken, AMAZED at how wonderful he is. He has had to take quite a few days off this year to take care of me- Me the one who is the full time caregiver. And he has done it willingly. He is truly the biggest blessing in my life. So there I was, crying again, but this time it was good crying. I, being a very good wife, woke Ken up to tell him all about it. He is my best friend, he is the love of my life, he is the father of my children, he works hard to support our little family and he is AMAZING in every way. I don't feel like I deserve him, I'm sure we all feel that way about our greatest blessings, the greatest gifts that God gives us. I hope someday to prove to myself that I am worthy of such amazing love.

So, yes, I am awake in the middle of the night (actually it's past 5 AM now) but I'm not anxious, I just feel amazingly blessed. I hope that I always remember this, I don't know what I'm to learn from this whole experience, BUT I am glad I have learned this. I've known for a long time that I am a precious child of God, that he knows me, that he gave his Son for me and that Christ knows me and feels my pains with me. But tonight I think I came to understand that Eternal Love just a little bit more.

Good Intentions

Well, Here we are- at quarter to 4 in the morning. I thought- I'll blog! I got the memory card from the camera and intended to post pictures of the fun stuff we did in October......and then I quickly realized that Ken had transferred the pictures.....SO here is what I found.

Little B LOVES the computer :) and Big Boy J likes to take pictures  (see his feet there in the corner)

J likes the computer too- he likes to watch videos. He also loves those Jammies- I washed them on Friday and then again on Monday and on Wednesday he was quite upset that they were not in his pajama drawer

I'm a cowgirl! (B may be totally crying, which makes no sense because he has crackers! CRACKERS!)

On Sunday Morning B and I did some indexing- it was very enjoyable. 

 There you go- a few days in the life of the Wheeler family- we are very very interesting people :)

Things I will never really understand

If you've been wondering where I've been for the last month, well, I've been keeping a secret. I was pregnant and I wanted to talk about it SO I didn't blog.

Yesterday was a horrible day. My horrible day had nothing to do with politics and everything to do with things that are beyond my understanding. Back in August I remember telling Ken that I was afraid to try to get pregnant again because I didn't know if my heart could handle losing another pregnancy. Well, We were blessed to be able to get pregnant again, pretty quickly, and this time things seemed to be going well, the lab tests more than doubled, I saw a heart beat at an early ultrasound and I even started feeling really sick. I went in yesterday for one more ultrasound and sadly, there was no heartbeat. I spent a lot of time crying yesterday. I didn't understand. I don't understand. I don't know if I ever will. I was just starting to feel comfortable, to feel like all was well and then SLAM the rug was pulled out from under me and I fell hard. It hurt. 

What made it really confusing was the fact that I was still feeling nauseated and tired and tender, I was feeling very pregnant but the ultrasound didn't lie. I was told what to expect and given instructions and then I started my wait. The wait for all those nice hormones that were making me sick and tired and tender to go away and for my body to recognize that there had been a change, and then the real fun would begin. For the moment I'm in limbo.

As I went to bed last night I really felt confused and somewhat faithless. I felt like I had been playing that trust game where you fall backwards and someone catches you, but no one caught me, and I felt like God should have caught me. I struggled, I believe in God, I have faith in him, but it's hard to trust someone who drops you. And then at about 4 AM I started to have some cramping. and I didn't freak out or anything, I was expecting it after all. When Ken woke up I told him that it was a tender mercy, I think it would have been more horrible for me to think that everything was okay and then wake up at 4 AM cramping. It's amazing how quickly my feelings changed, I went from feeling like God had abandoned me to feeling like he had softened the blow for me, he knows me and this miscarriage was going to happen and he put me in the place where my fall would be the most cushioned. And that is AMAZING! 

I'm still waiting for it all to happen. The cramps were just cramps, an early sign of what's to come. 

What else is to come? I don't know. I've told Ken that I am not sure when I am going to be ready to try again. I'm scared, I don't know how much my heart can take. Maybe I need to find a pregnancy loss support group and just talk for a while. But for now, I feel the need to take care of me, get myself back in shape- both body wise and house wise. I need to get back into a good pattern with myself and my boys and my Ken, with my house and my running. And maybe then I will feel like I'm ready to branch out and risk my heart again, but for now, I'm not so sure.

This morning I was grateful for a new day. I woke up today. I cuddled my boys today. I ate ice cream for breakfast today (well second breakfast, I had eggs for first breakfast). Come what may, I have one more day with my family, the people I love. I don't know what will happen tomorrow, but I will live it, I will live through it and I HOPE I will love it (or at least appreciate it and/or understand it at some future point).

That is all, for now.

A little Harvest

We planted a watermelon this year. I envisioned my family enjoying a couple wonderful watermelons that we grew in our own backyard. Well, this was it. As you can see a watermelon grew! A very very small watermelon. I decided last week that it wasn't going to get any bigger, so I picked it. It was about the size of a grapefruit. See a large yellow squash and a stick of margarine in the picture- for scale.

 I sliced it up. It was FABULOUS! We grow really yummy miniature watermelons!

 We also have a grape vine. I harvested as many grapes as I could reach and made some grape juice concentrate. If you factor in the amount of time I spent cleaning, prepping, cooking and squishing and cooking, then this is probably the most expensive grape juice my family will ever drink. But I enjoyed it, and I hope we enjoy drinking it through the next year. I've realized lately that I enjoy creating. I like to make things, crafts, jewelry, baked goods, I enjoy the creative process.

 Here is another thing I've been creating- but this one won't be ready to harvest for years to come. I'm making a mini me! That's right, he is a boy- and that is different from me- BUT he sleeps just like me :) pillow on his head and all. (let it be known that I do not wear buzz light year pajamas, but that might just be because I don't have any).

And that is a little bit of our harvest. I am looking forward to my butternut and acorn squash, as of right now I have 2 of each :) YAY! And our tomatoes have finally started ripening, so we had some yummy yummy salsa last week, I grew the green pepper and the Anaheim pepper that went in to the salsa as well. So, this years garden hasn't been horrible after all. Yay for harvests, even little tiny ones.

Bear Lake 2012

The Turner family went up to Bear Lake the weekend before Labor day. We had tons of fun. J got this costume a couple of days before we went to bear lake. He asked if he could bring it with us to the Cabin and then he called his Grandma Turner and asked if she could bring him leash. He was a very happy and entertaining puppy.

 We watched a storm cross the lake, the picture doesn't do it justice it was pretty amazing!

 We ate lots and lots and lots of food- and B figured out the best place to sit.

 On Saturday afternoon we went down to the south side of the lake to a State Park called Rendezvous Beach. When we arrived we noticed that there were some storm clouds headed our way. We played in the water for about 10 minutes and then we started to notice that people farther down the beach were all headed  in, pretty fast, it made us wonder if they had been told to get out of the water. THEN it started to HAIL. We found out a few days later that Ken's brother from Colorado were THERE at the exact same time we were- if we had turned left when we got to the beach instead of right- we probably would have seen them!

WE took shelter for about 30 minutes, watched the storm pas, and when we couldn't see or hear lightning anymore we headed back out to the water. J didn't get too far from shore. He mostly liked to make his feet sink in the sand.

 B on the other hand thought that he should walk out as far as possible.....I wonder why? Well, lets see, he had this amazing ball, maybe he figured it would help him float......

 Or maybe he was just following the example of his Aunt Jenette. I had to use full zoom on my camera for this picture.

 I think we will go back to Rendezvous Beach again!

 There are 6 Bedroom as the Cabin- and that is pretty much just enough for each family that was there, so we set the boys up on the floor, one on each side of the bed. The first night was a little rough for B, he woke up with a bump on his head. The second night was worse, I heard B whimpering and I figured he had lost his blanket or binky. I reached down from the bed and started feeling around and to my surprise not only could I not find a binky BUT I couldn't find B. I screamed for Ken to turn on the light and then we found B- under the bed, stuck, he had a scrape on his temple and a nice bruise the next morning.

 After that we found and set up a pack and play for him, he slept great the 3rd night we were there.

It was a great weekend, we ate lots of shakes- raspberry shakes and strawberry shakes and chocolate raspberry shakes. I made Bread Bowls! They were yummy. We played games and talked and generally had a wonderful time. No one got lost this year and we even got to see people run up the mountain for the Bear Lake Monster Half Marathon. That is one Half that I will not be doing.

The ABC's of being a Pirate

Happy international speak like a Pirate day! In honor of this day, I dressed my boys like pirates and we've been saying Arghhhhhh a lot. B is actually quite good at it. J keeps telling me that pirates say OH! 

Isn't this little pirate adorable. I would most definitely let him take my ship and gold from me. I mean, who can deny a request when that smile follows it! J has decided that B is his "Matey" and he is in charge of the ship (our house) when J,"The Captain", is not there BUT, be very aware, Matey is not allowed to touch The Captains Gun! 

The captain has a gun? You ask. Yes he does, and a sword! I found the boys pants for them and they completed their own outfits, I'm actually quite amazed at how well they did, I forgot about B's skull and crossbones shirt (J actually picked that out for him), and J picked out a delightful stripped shirt for himself. It was at this point that I realized PIRATES WEAR STRIPES! It's amazing! After getting dressed I heard J start talking about needing his gun and sword, I had totally forgotten that he had a sword (made out of wood by Grandpa Turner). Here is a picture of where the Captain keeps his sword and gun.

So, on to the ABC's. Preschool started last week and tomorrow J gets to present the Sound Bag to his class. He brought the Sound bag home and it had a B attached to it. So today, J and I have been filling it with things that start with B. So far we have a Baby Bottle, a Binky, Bertie the Bus, a Blanket, a Baseball, some Bubbles, a Book, a circle of Blue fabric, a Block, and a Picture of Baby Brother B. There is a black vest that goes with the pirate pants- it had a little felt skull and crossbones glued to it, but B pulled the felt off a few weeks ago. I hung the skull and crossbones from a nail in the boys wall- so I wouldn't lose and eventually I could put it back on the vest (which I've lost). J pointed up to the skull and crossbones and said, "Mom what's that?" "That's from your Pirate vest." "Does it start with a B?" I was about to say no when I realized that we could probably print out a Buccaneers Flag.....and so we went to the computer and googled "Buccaneers Flag" and sure enough we found one, so we printed it and wrote the story about how we are dressed like pirates AKA Buccaneers! And the flag has BONES on it....I will leave it up to the teacher whether or not she wants to get into bones and buccaneers with the kids.  SO, we continue on our quest. 

"Mom, does gun start with B?"

"No, Gu, Gu, Gun. Does that sound like Bu, Bu, Bee?

"No, What about Sword, does it start with B?" 

"No, Ssss, Ssss, Sssword. Sword starts with S." 

"Oh well"

Poor "The Captain" he can't (and really shouldn't) take his gun and sword to school. 

So what have I learned from this Pirate ABC experience. Basically, I've ruined J. I started out showing him things that start with B. I would ask him what they were and he would say their names and then I would ask "Does it start with B?" and he would yell "YES!" then I started to realize that he thought EVERYTHING started with B, so I've changed, I ask him what everything is, and what letter they start with.....they still start with B.....oops. Hopefully he will get over that by the time they start learning about C.

Until then.....Yo ho, Yo ho a Pirates Life for me. (P.S. I've been typing this while we watch Peter Pan.....which, by the way, doesn't start with B)

Heartbreak, Fear and Faith

So, We would like to have another baby. It took us about 16 months to get pregnant with J. During that time I stopped even bothering with pregnancy tests. I was so tired of them being negative. I realized one day that my period was about a week late. I was working at a hospital and I went down to the lab and asked for a pregnancy test- it was a blood test and took 4 hours for the results to come back. I remember calling the results line and being ELATED when they told me congratulations. I called Ken and then I told all the ladies in my office and then later that day I called my Mom and all my sisters. I was 5 weeks along at that point.

It only took a couple months to conceive B. It was kind of surprising. I really wasn't amazingly regular and I figured it would take a while to get pregnant. I started to wonder if I was pregnant when J suddenly was very clingy and I seemed really emotional (I cried during the scene in Elf where all the people on the street are singing Christmas songs- to help there be enough Christmas cheer for the sleigh to fly) and so I took a pregnancy test- I had one from the dollar store- and it was positive. Faint, but positive. I called the Doctors office to see about getting a quantitative blood test, the one where you get the test twice, 48 hours apart and you can see that your hormone levels are rising appropriately. They told me just to come in for my first appointment. I thought I was about 5 weeks pregnant, the doctor thought I was about 10 weeks, so she sent me for an ultrasound. The ultrasound was 1 week after that first appointment, so by then I should have been about 6 weeks pregnant. The ultrasound technician found the implanted egg and pointed out all the necessary things about my egg- I remember him talking about a yolk- He said that I wasn't 10 weeks pregnant, I wasn't even 6, I was less than 5 weeks pregnant. Two weeks later I went back in and there was a tiny heart beat and according to the ultrasound, at that point I was 6 weeks 6 days pregnant, this means that I found out I was pregnant when I was 3 weeks and 3 days along! WHAT? We announced that pregnancy to my family on Christmas Eve, when I was 5 weeks 2 days pregnant.

Why do I tell you this? Well, they always say that you shouldn't announce a pregnancy until the first trimester is over, with each pregnancy I've told Less people.....but I can't keep my mouth shut, I'm too happy about it.

So on July 25th of this year, I had some pretty strong suspicions that I was pregnant. I took a test and sure enough, it was positive. It was faint- but I also hadn't missed a period yet (since I knew that I had a positive test pretty darn early with B, I figured I could try a few days early now, no issues, just nice to know) because it was so faint I decided to go into the doctors office, they did another test and congratulated me. This time I had promised Ken that I would try to keep my mouth shut a little longer. BUT that promise (for any woman who makes that kind of promise) does not apply to telling your Mom. So I told my Mommy. It was a happy day. I was 4 weeks pregnant, 3 people, me, Ken and Mom, knew about it. It was such an amazing feeling. 4 days later I noticed some staining- not really bleeding, just a little pink- when I would use the bathroom, and that was scary to me, and the next morning I knew for sure. I had had an early miscarriage. I knew I was only 4 weeks and 5 days pregnant, but it broke my heart. I was having a baby, and then I wasn't. I told the world.....well, It told Facebook, so most of the people in my world. What happened. Lots of love and kind words were sent my way. It was amazing to hear how this same thing had happened to so many people. I felt loved, I prayed and cried and prayed a lot, I felt like I was going to heal. But I was still scared.

I told Ken that I was happy to know that we could conceive, we know we can fertilize an egg. Go Us! But the question that was causing me grief was whether or not my body was ready to stay pregnant. I wanted to keep trying, I truly feel like there is a baby ready, waiting to come to our family. But what if my body isn't ready and what if this happens again. Could I handle this pain again? I was afraid.

We went to church at the Young Single Adult ward that week (as part of our calling as YSA Advisers for our Stake) and the first thing said during the testimony meeting was that we need to live with Faith and not with Fear. So I decided that I needed to move past the fear and keep my faith that we will be able to have a baby. I don't know when, but I believe, I have faith that a baby will come.

Last week I went to the temple. I was filled with peace and joy. I was grateful for those feelings, I felt that my prayers were being answered. It was a wonderful, fabulous, powerful experience. I felt impressed to read the story of Zacharias and Elisabeth, I read the entire 1st chapter of Luke. When the Angel Gabriel tells Mary that her cousin Elisabeth has conceived he follows it up with "For with God nothing shall be impossible".

I am trying to live with faith, to remember that with God nothing is impossible. I am trying not to let my mind and my heart go crazy. I have intentionally NOT purchased any pregnancy tests. I will try to wait a little longer this time. Maybe until 5 weeks. I say try. I will try. And if it happens again, I will be okay and we will keep trying,